Timothy: 4 billion Natalie: 1

My father has been a particular butthole lately. The other day he commented that he lives with 3 fat bitches, me, my sister, and my mom. So yesterday when he was sloppily piling leftovers in his mouth he commented that he liked my chicken. I responded with "Yeah, the fat bitch is good for something, isn't she?" He was literally speechless. Timothy: 4 billion, Natalie: 1. I did the victory dance when I got to my room =].

Yesterday I made some lovely cheddar dill cornbread and I've been snacking on it like it's going out of style. I just had some warmed up mashed potatoes and a piece of cold cornbread for lunch, which was very tasty.

Today, I plan on searching for a job, and a couch. Since Renee moved out of my room, it seems empty. It just doesn't have enough stuff in it. It was not a room meant for one person. So I figured, I have room for a couch, and it would provide somewhere to sit besides my bed, and a rickety computer chair when I have friends over.

Button had a major freakout last night because school and work leave her with no time to do homework. But she can't really cut down on hours at work, she just bought a new car. I guess that might have been a bad decision. She's going to be pulling a lot of all-nighters. Button is Emily, by the way. That's her nickname.

I got in touch with Liz last night to see if she wanted to hang out this weekend since we really haven't hung out since she moved into her dorm. She's loving life as far as I can tell, but then again she pretty much always does.

And what can I say about me? I'm still pretty much a shut-in. I really don't get out. The Stark County fair is coming in the next week or so, and I'm hoping to get out and do that to try and combat my fear of crowds and strange people. I haven't been to the fair in a couple years because of my fear of crowds, so hopefully this is a step towards recovery.

Yesterday was the 1-week mark of when I dropped out of school. I can't believe I let my anxiesties get the better of me.

I have good days, and I have bad days. Mostly bad days, it would seem.

For every 2-3 bad days, a good day usually creeps its way in. Good thing too, because really, without the good days, I don't know how I would function. Not that what I'm doing can technically be called "functioning", but it's the best I got for now.

Ever since I dropped out of college, I've just been wallowing in a mixture of my own self-pity, and cheeto dust. Most people were nice to me, saying things like "Oh it's ok, I didn't go this semester either! Just go whenever you feel you're ready!" There were a couple patronizing people "Yeah...sure...just because you're not ready, that's doesn't mean you're a baby or anything *sarcastic eye-roll*". And of course, there were a couple choice people telling me to grow some balls and get over it.

I understand how easy it can be to say things like that. Especially to someone who has never experienced self-confidence issues, let alone full-blown social anxiety. Most people just don't understand. "I get it. People make you nervous. But people are nice. Just go out and make some friends!" Easier said than done. When the concept of talking to people- even nice, relatively harmless people- makes your palms sweat, all the blood rush to your face, makes the world turn topsy-turvy, and makes you want to run home and hide under your bed, going to a college with 27,000 students seem a little overwhelming.

What was I thinking?

I should have known I needed to start out slow. The worst thing, I think, is the people that assume because I dropped out of The University of Akron, that not only am I not going now, but I'm not going ever.

So for those people who believe everything you're told, I'm going next semester, and I'm going to Kent State Stark. Don't believe anything else you hear.

So for now, I'm just a bum. I've been looking for a job, but when you're afraid of people, that kinda gets in the way.

I wish the people around me didn't think my anxieties were just "in my head" ( which is actually pretty ironic, because it is really in my head. That's the problem. But I think you know what I mean.)

Today I'm making my first trip to scout out Kent State Stark. My biggest fear is that I'll get up there and feel just the same way about it that I felt about Akron. I can't be afraid of every school out there.