Good and bad

I've been doing good and bad at the same time lately. Or I guess I should say I've been neither. Every day is different.

On the bright side, I got the futon for my room =]. Walking through walmart with a huge box like that was pretty embarrassing though, I'm sure everyone was staring, that was awkward. But that was a couple days ago. It took us like 3 hours to put together, but I like it a lot and my room doesn't look so bare anymore =]. I got my old trunk out of storage as a makeshift coffee table and now it looks like people live here! So yay!

Me and Em have been like fighting-ish lately. She really wants to go out and buy stuff like deodorant and face wash and like travel toothbrushes and stuff to leave at each others house with a pair of pajamas so that way if we ever want to spend the night at each other's house we can without packing. At first it sounded like a good idea but then I realized I've spent the night at her house like a billion times and I never forget stuff and it's never a big hassle to pack it. So yesterday when I said I didn't want to waste the money she said I was ruining the fun. Well excuse me Emily, but I don't make enough money to just waste it because it's fun. Plus I just dropped $100 on a futon. Sooooo yeah.

Also! I can not stop reading Questionable Content comics!!!! I started at the beginning and wasted 2 weeks of my life catching up on the story! Hours of my life I will never get back, but it's worth it they're sooooooo entertaining!!!!!!!!!!! So if you're reading this (which I'm pretty sure nobody reads this, but whatever =]) go read QC! Start at the beginning and don't stop until you reach today! bahhh I love Hannelore! She's so OCD and hilarious!

Ok, well it's labor day, but I wasted all of yesterday so I gotta do everything today.
bahhhh

Feeling a little bit better.

Yesterday I went to the Stark County Fair with Em. I haven't gone in like 2 years because of my anxiety. But yesterday I went and me and Em spent an hour there, and I petted animals and had fun =]. I even managed to eat a corn dog, and I'm not so good with eating in public. The key was going during the day. Everything was visible and it wasn't too crowded. I would post pictures, but seriously, I only got pictures of chickens and pumpkins and they were taken on my phone. I don't know what I was thinking.

I've decided I'm buying a futon for my room. I'm the only person I know that has a network of people that tell them they don't have enough reckless fun with their money. My mom and my sister were like Jeez if you want a futon, get one! Spend some money for once! Live a little! So as soon as I can find some time to borrow a truck, I'm going to get one. So there.

My job search is kinda on hold. I'm afraid getting a job will just play up my anxieties.

Maybe I just need to grow the fuck up and do it.

Timothy: 4 billion Natalie: 1

My father has been a particular butthole lately. The other day he commented that he lives with 3 fat bitches, me, my sister, and my mom. So yesterday when he was sloppily piling leftovers in his mouth he commented that he liked my chicken. I responded with "Yeah, the fat bitch is good for something, isn't she?" He was literally speechless. Timothy: 4 billion, Natalie: 1. I did the victory dance when I got to my room =].

Yesterday I made some lovely cheddar dill cornbread and I've been snacking on it like it's going out of style. I just had some warmed up mashed potatoes and a piece of cold cornbread for lunch, which was very tasty.

Today, I plan on searching for a job, and a couch. Since Renee moved out of my room, it seems empty. It just doesn't have enough stuff in it. It was not a room meant for one person. So I figured, I have room for a couch, and it would provide somewhere to sit besides my bed, and a rickety computer chair when I have friends over.

Button had a major freakout last night because school and work leave her with no time to do homework. But she can't really cut down on hours at work, she just bought a new car. I guess that might have been a bad decision. She's going to be pulling a lot of all-nighters. Button is Emily, by the way. That's her nickname.

I got in touch with Liz last night to see if she wanted to hang out this weekend since we really haven't hung out since she moved into her dorm. She's loving life as far as I can tell, but then again she pretty much always does.

And what can I say about me? I'm still pretty much a shut-in. I really don't get out. The Stark County fair is coming in the next week or so, and I'm hoping to get out and do that to try and combat my fear of crowds and strange people. I haven't been to the fair in a couple years because of my fear of crowds, so hopefully this is a step towards recovery.

Yesterday was the 1-week mark of when I dropped out of school. I can't believe I let my anxiesties get the better of me.

My throat hurts today.

I don't feel like writing today. Everyone's first day of school was today and it's a bit depressing. Plus my throat really hurts and I just can't function when my throat hurts.

Maybe tomorrow.

The movie was totally a mixed bag.

Last night me and Em set out to go see our first drive-in movie. We paid 5 bucks and got to see a double feature of Halloween 2, and then The Hangover. We really didn't watch Halloween 2 because it was scary, so the first movie we just talked and ate snacks in our pajamas. Then the hangover was really funny and we paid attention to that one. If you haven't see it, go do it, because it was a really awesome and funny movie.

The only thing is, Em's parents got real neurotic and kept calling her and saying she had to be home by 11:30, even though the second movie didn't 'start until 10:30 and we were 25 minutes away. And then they were saying they were going to take her car away and all this stuff. Then this morning it continued. They were saying that they thought she was a blessing when she was born but now they just don't know what to think and all this stuff. She's 19. Leave her alone. Plus her parents totally love and trust me, and they knew where we were, and so what was the big deal? After hours of yelling at her today, all of a sudden her mom just dropped it and said nevermind, forget about the punishment. Talk about bi-polar.

Last night at the movie, I brought along whales, which are like goldfish crackers but generic, and I think they have more flavor. And they're cheaper =]. But all Em kept saying was how much she liked them and stuff. So today I went out and bought her some at the dollar store. Also, her favorite drink in the world is Dr. Pepper, and I found some popcicles flavored like Dr. Pepper for $1, so I bought those too. So for 2 dollars Em will have a good start to her first day of school tomorrow =].

Today we started making our own spaghetti sauce. We went to amish country yesterday and bought a whole shitload of tomatoes and green peppers and onions and garlic. So we are currently making our own spaghetti sauce and it is making the whole house smell good =]. Plus, it really didn't take too long or make too big of a mess.







That's my mom in her scrubby clothes cutting tomatoes =]






That's my arm! And my tattoo! We blended everything to get the sauce all smooth.




My mom teaching my sister, Renee, how to chop garlic.





It's been simmering in my kitchen for about 5 hours now. Tomorrow we get to put it in jars and store it for the winter. We're like squirrels =].

Kent made me feel better than I have in like a week.

The trip that Emily and I took to Kent yesterday made me feel better. The school was smaller, a lot less people went there, and I know for a fact that like 1/3 of the people from my graduating class are going there. So yeah, I think I will do good there next semester. I was thinking about applying for a job there in the library since I've worked in a library before. It would be a good way to get to know the people that go there and get familiar with the place.

Em's a bit nervous about going, but I think she'll do ok.

So last night Emily and I were hanging out at my house. Then we got hungry and decided we wanted some ice cream so we headed out to Baskin Robins, because I've never been there before, and I'm trying to go to new places and stuff. I had cookie dough ice cream by the way, which was really good. But then as we're leaving all of a sudden this horrible storm starts up and we were like 15 minutes from my house. It had to have been one of the scariest car rides I've had in a long time. The lightning was ahead of us so we could see every strike that was made. And as we're getting to my house, we hear this enormous BANG! and lightning struck like 4 times in a row. It kinda looked like a stobe light. So we screamed and Em slammed on the breaks. 30 seconds later, when I got home, the power was out. The big bang was lightning zapping our transformer.

If there's one thing I hate in this world, it's when I don't have power. Normally the first like hour is kinda fun, you get to play around in the dark and it's kinda cool and stuff. But last year, we had a huge storm come through that knocked out all the power in like a tri-county area. Ours was out for 49 hours. 2 full days. We lost a whole fridge and freezer full of food, most of which was packed into coolers but still didn't keep, it was ungodly hot but we couldn't turn our air on, and we were bored out of our minds. No t.v., no internet, no radio (we had a little clock radio that ran on batteries and we huttled around it like it was our only connection to the outside world, which it pretty much was ) we couldn't even check our email. And even in the middle of the day, inside the house was so dark. Renee and my mom spent a lot of time on the phone to pass the time, but as anyone with social anxiety knows, I can't handle talking on the phone. Plus, when the power went out I still had to go to school. It sucks getting ready for school with no electricity.

So yeah, I was afraid we were going to have another one of those episodes. But we didn't : ). When I saw the electric company's trucks driving around our neighborhood I got really excited, and when our lights came back on I full-out screamed with delight. Emily hung out with me to make me feel better, because I'll admit it, I was pretty much losing it.

So tonight, me and Em are going to a drive-in movie. We're gonna see Halloween (it might be halloween 2...is that out yet? I can't keep scary movies straight) and then The Hangover is after that, which I've heard is really funny and I've been dying to see. I'm not so excited about Halloween. Neither I nor Emily enjoy scary movies, but she still insists on watching them. I don't know why. I don't know if she think's it's socially unacceptable to not like scary movies, so she just is trying to get over her fear, but whatever. They're just not my cup of tea.

My laptop just flashed a 10-minute warning on it's batery life, so I guess I better submit this before it dies. Later I'll be back to say how the movie went.

I have good days, and I have bad days. Mostly bad days, it would seem.

For every 2-3 bad days, a good day usually creeps its way in. Good thing too, because really, without the good days, I don't know how I would function. Not that what I'm doing can technically be called "functioning", but it's the best I got for now.

Ever since I dropped out of college, I've just been wallowing in a mixture of my own self-pity, and cheeto dust. Most people were nice to me, saying things like "Oh it's ok, I didn't go this semester either! Just go whenever you feel you're ready!" There were a couple patronizing people "Yeah...sure...just because you're not ready, that's doesn't mean you're a baby or anything *sarcastic eye-roll*". And of course, there were a couple choice people telling me to grow some balls and get over it.

I understand how easy it can be to say things like that. Especially to someone who has never experienced self-confidence issues, let alone full-blown social anxiety. Most people just don't understand. "I get it. People make you nervous. But people are nice. Just go out and make some friends!" Easier said than done. When the concept of talking to people- even nice, relatively harmless people- makes your palms sweat, all the blood rush to your face, makes the world turn topsy-turvy, and makes you want to run home and hide under your bed, going to a college with 27,000 students seem a little overwhelming.

What was I thinking?

I should have known I needed to start out slow. The worst thing, I think, is the people that assume because I dropped out of The University of Akron, that not only am I not going now, but I'm not going ever.

So for those people who believe everything you're told, I'm going next semester, and I'm going to Kent State Stark. Don't believe anything else you hear.

So for now, I'm just a bum. I've been looking for a job, but when you're afraid of people, that kinda gets in the way.

I wish the people around me didn't think my anxieties were just "in my head" ( which is actually pretty ironic, because it is really in my head. That's the problem. But I think you know what I mean.)

Today I'm making my first trip to scout out Kent State Stark. My biggest fear is that I'll get up there and feel just the same way about it that I felt about Akron. I can't be afraid of every school out there.